


A Stunning Meal From Your Crazy Blind Alien Girlfriend

by Dkey



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-12
Updated: 2012-09-12
Packaged: 2017-11-14 03:08:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dkey/pseuds/Dkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Terezi offers to make Dave a nice hot dinner but she has ulterior motives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Stunning Meal From Your Crazy Blind Alien Girlfriend

You can’t remember the last time you ate a home cooked meal. True, ever since you hit god-tier you haven’t really needed to eat, but old habits die hard and the mood enhancing effect of a hot dinner isn’t something you’d care to go without. You guess the last time you had something like that must have been back on earth though, undoubtedly cooked by a creepy puppet controlled by your brother-father. Mostly you’ve been subsisting on readily alchemized food or whatever you can snag off of Rose when she’s feeling generous, since you never really learned to cook anything past the occasional mad rhyme. So when your crazy blind alien girlfriend offered to make you some “delicious protein chute stuffing” you jumped at the chance. Ok, well “jumped” is a bit of an overstatement, jumping isn’t cool unless it’s immediately followed by sweet dunks; you actually just shrugged your shoulders and reluctantly agreed.

This… this isn’t what you were- oh who the fuck are you kidding, this is exactly what you were expecting from your crazy blind alien girlfriend, a nasty rainbow colored mess that probably tastes like Howie Mandel’s monster piss. You’re not eating this.

“I’m not eating this”

“Oh come on,” Terezi cackles as she takes a big sniff “Can’t you smell the colors Dave? Doesn’t it make you want to lick it? I know I wanted to when it was still cooking”

“Did you?”

“Did I what?”

“Did you lick it?”

“Well, duh, I didn’t think you’d mind seeing as you’ve readily sampled my spit before. Besides, it’s Alternian custom to taste the food before serving it to close friends, that way you can tell if it's poisoned, you don’t want a potential matesprit to fall dead because you didn’t check something that simple.”

“Yeah that sounds like some crazy shit Trolls would do. I’m still not eating this though.”

“What’s wrong with my cooking Dave? Why are you suddenly acting like a wriggler, where’s the cool kid I know? Cool kids aren’t afraid of food.”

“I wouldn’t call this food; it looks more like the aftermath of an oil spill.”

“Well how am I supposed to know what it looks like?” she laughs while making that weird question mark face (that shit freaks you out) “If it looks that bad then just take one bite and if it doesn’t taste like a Rainbow Rumpus Partytown then you don’t have to eat any more.”

“Seriously?” you say as you stir the abominable concoction with your spoon “You’re not just fucking with me?”

“Nope! All you need to do is take one teensy bite and if you don’t like it then you don’t have to eat it.”

“Right…” you mumble “If it’s so good where’s yours?”

“Don’t worry about me Dave, I already ate, I’m just waiting for dessert, come on cool kid stop stalling and take a bite.”

You guess she’s right, you’ve really have just been using this conversation to stall for time, but you don’t even know what this IS. It looks like a puddle of disgustingly vibrant multi-colored sludge, which is unappetizing in its own right, but occasionally something resembling a solid piece of… something… floats through it. Honestly you have no idea what’s in it, and you’re not sure you want to know. On the other hand… it smells alright… actually it smells pretty good… yet it’s so wretched looking you don’t want to put it anywhere near your mouth, but if you’re going to do it you might as well man up and do it now, Terezi looks like she’s getting anxious.

Tentatively you scoop up a tiny spoonful of the soup and bring it to your mouth. As you slurp it down your first instinct is to be completely repulsed, and the texture that you get as it sloshes around your mouth doesn’t disappoint. It flows like a curry but has little gelatinous strings of you don’t know what strung throughout that get caught on your teeth. The chunks that you noticed earlier give akin to some sort of mushroom or fungus, but crisp like a vegetable. Yet, while you you’ve never really enjoyed any of those foods before something’s different about this… it’s really fucking good! Like, damn this is 4 star restaurant quality shit! The mingling of sweet, sour, and savory is amazing, and dances around your palate like fucking fairy-god-troll. Eventually you come to the realization that most of the body of the soup is latticed throughout the sauce by the solid cubes floating around in it and strings stemming from them (which by themselves have no flavor), giving a place for the flavor of the soup to rest and stick to. The liquid itself is very obviously fruit based, a citrus taste accented very strongly by an apple-cherry finish, but the real flavor comes from what you assume to be spices, ones you couldn’t come close to naming even if you didn’t have the sneaking suspicion that they were exclusive to Alternia. As you take another bite you make sure to grab whatever had sunk to the bottom of the bowl, more cubed pieces of who knows what, however this time when you bite into them, or simply roll your tongue over, they fall apart into little bits of meat, like slow cooked pork or a well roasted chicken, but tasting more like beef, or maybe fish. Once again you dip your spoon, but it comes back dry, completely empty. You didn’t even notice that you had finished it all.

“See Dave? I knew you’d enjoy it!”

“Yeah, it’s pretty good; maybe licking everything you come across has its advantages in the kitchen. What’s in this anyway?”

Terezi grins, unmasking her interlocking shark like teeth. She seems pretty proud of herself, with her chest puffed out, both hands placed on her curvy hips and standing in a position which she thinks is perfect for gloating over you. “Not much that you’d know of cool kid, I got most of it from Kanaya since she began gardening again to pass the time…” She sits down on the table in front of you and just keeps smiling her gorgeous grin tooth-filled grin “… although I was able to snag the code for some juice out of your pants last time you left them on my floor.” Still smiling she removes her glasses, revealing her beautiful burnt ruby red eyes. She takes her hand off the table and lifts your chin, leaning in closer, but just before your lips touch she pulls herself away and begins giggling.

“Hehehe is it working Dave? Am I irresistible to you yet?”

“What?” You stammer out. Geeze, your head is foggy, get it together Dave, don’t lose your cool. “You’re always pretty irresistible to me” Oh god, that was so corny, what were you thinking? “I don’t think I could want you any mo-“

Shit. Now you get it.

“You drugged me.”

“Took you long enough Dave; your detective skills need some work.”

“Great, what sort of weird shit is this going to do to me?”

“Oh, nothing that you won’t live through silly!” She comes closer to you and takes a big whiff, no doubt getting a good picture of the blood rushing faster through your veins and taking in the color of your flushed face “It’s just an herb that has a curious effect on non-trolls.”

You immediately understand what she means when a strong heat starts pooling at your crotch and you pitch a gigantic tent in your god-pajamas. It’s a three ring circus in there and since circuses have never and will never be cool you decide to take this as your cue to leave. As you begin to get up however you legs give way and you fall back into your chair with a ‘thunk’. 

“Sh-Shit!”

“I’m glad you decided to stick around Dave” Terezi says as she walks to pull out your chair “It’s just about time for dessert, and it’s been a long time coming.”

She moves back in front of you and puts her fingers into the rim of your pants, slowly pulling them downwards and leaving you bare.

When she finishes she sets herself down on your thigh and drags her tongue along the inside, feeling both incredible and unnerving at the same time, only stopping once she comes within the vicinity of your manhood.

“I’ve been waiting to taste this for so long Dave…” She coos as she inches closer to your disrobed penis “… but for some reason you never let me get my face this close.”

She could barely contain herself at that comment, she damn well knows why you won’t let her knife filled maw anywhere near your junk. Ever since she laid eyes upon it (so to speak) she’s been oddly fixated on putting it in her mouth. It’s all she ever seems to talk about in the bedroom and you’ve grown tired of hearing her pet names for your dick. Apparently your genitalia is a red apple sucker, a raspberry creamsicle, and a cherry otterpop all in one, which only makes you more nervous considering that they’re all food items. The thought of Terezi losing herself and biting down in the middle of a blowjob has replaced Lil’ Cal as your primary nightmare since you’ve been on this meteor, and now that it’s about to happen you’re absolutely terrified. Not that you’re showing it mind you, you’re too cool for that, the paralytic toxin coursing through your veins that’s preventing you from moving your facial muscles doesn’t hurt either of course.

She begins to nuzzle your shaft a bit, taking in the intoxicating smell of your red blood flowing under the surface of your white skin. At her touch you twitch, since the drug has heightened your sensitivity every touch feels like a thousand volts of electricity running though you and you’re absolutely about to burst. You try to moan but your jaw clenches and all that escapes is a harsh grunt. Eventually she pulls back, only for her to open her mouth and have her tongue wriggle out. Her tongue trails up and down your member, each turn sending shivers down your spine, slathering you with saliva, and causing you to heat up even more. When she gets to the tip she raises her head above you and begins to spiral outward, eventually hitting the rim and- holy shit what is- she can do that?! Her evidently prehensile tongue begins wrapping and coiling around the width of your shaft and proceeds to squeeze. It’s like nothing you’ve ever felt before and soon you stop reasoning, letting your mind wander and getting lost in the pleasure of it all. As soon as her tongue slides half way down you feel her lips kiss the head and before you can register what is going on you are engulfed in her mouth.

“J-je-egus T-terezi” you manage to spit out through your clenched teeth at the sudden sensory shock that you receive thanks to her constricting tongue and warm mouth.

Terezi can’t help but laugh, and the vibrations from her throat reverberate through you. Her tongue lets go of its squeeze and eventually simply begins cradling your cock, serving as a barrier between you and her bottom teeth. When she becomes settled with the positioning she starts sucking and moving her head back and forth along your length, beginning slowly but eventually picking up in pace and depth. You first hit the inside of her check with each bob of her head but as she progresses you start moving further and further backwards into her mouth. Periodically she stops and rolls her tongue back over the top and to the sides of your shaft, circling it with dexterity and skill you doubt that any human or even any other troll could muster. When she goes back to thrusting herself onto you it feels absolutely amazing and she strokes the base of what she can’t take into her mouth with her hand, the differing speeds causing two very different sensations to flow through you and meld into something wonderful and new.

It’s when you start hitting the back of her throat that it starts to become too much, as she’s now just about taking you in fully. You’re almost at the apex of pleasure when the words “Terezi I’m going to-“ dribble out of your mouth while she deep-throats you, surrounding you completely and leaving no inch of you open to the air. She acknowledges hearing you through her normal giggle causing her to once again constrict and ripple around you. This is it, and almost instinctively your hands fly to the back of her head, grabbing her and forcibly pushing her down onto you. Her top teeth graze you ever so slightly, not enough to be painful but enough to prick and remind you of the danger of the situation, just enough to push you over the edge. Your orgasm surges through you while your grip on Terezi’s head holds firm forcing you to cum straight down her esophagus. Releasing her hair you attempt to pull back out of her mouth while her tongue still entwines itself with you, pulling and milking you for every last drop, which she gleefully swallows before letting go.

“Hehehe I knew it Dave! You’re delicious!” She exclaims as she puts her hands to her face and grins ear to ear.

“Don’t worry about the herb Dave, it’s short acting, I think it was already wearing off when I started.“

Then she gets up, dusts off her knees, reapplies her glasses, and saunters in the direction of the door.

“I think I hear the mayor… maybe you should clean up before coming to build Can-Town some more.”

…and with that she leaves. For a while longer you sit there and think about how you feel about all this. Of course you feel a lot of things, embarrassment over the fact that you fell for such an obvious trap, betrayal from being tricked, arousal at the thought of the wonders that she can do with her mouth, but above all else you feel dumbfounded at what just transpired… and cold… and uncool. Actually mostly uncool, being pantsless in the communal kitchen is pretty weak you have to admit, so you get up, put your god-jamas back on and walk to your room, all the while thinking about the next time you could ask your crazy blind alien girlfriend to cook you some delicious protein chute stuffing.

**Author's Note:**

> I guess this is the first thing I feel comfortable posting under this name. I think I may have spent too much time on the food and too little on the blowjob, oh well. I had fun though.
> 
> Written for the prompt below:  
> http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/38154.html?thread=39379466#cmt39379466


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